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Stories of Strength

The Story

I never understood why no one liked me when I was really nice to everyone.
I felt like an alien in a strange universe where I was either slow or too fast. At 4 when I took my drawing to show my mom she did not believe that I had drawn it. She asked me if I had traced it , I told her I didn’t know how to trace. I don’t think she bought it until my teachers started pointing out about my “gift”.

When my mom “blamed” my friends for not really being friends or taking advantage of me I locked myself in room or threw a tantrum. I went from “an angel” , to “a gifted child” , to a “clumsy weirdo” to a “fussy /reckless teenager” to “hormonal” to someone with “an eating disorder & body image issues” to someone with an “unstable personality” to ” Bi-polar ” to having a” Dissociative Indentity disorder”.

All of it before a student nurse who had an autistic sibling started asking questions that alerted my doctor during an inpatient admission . 23 years ,8 of which were spent in psychiatric inpatient units, dropout from Oxford , 5 suicide attempts , lifelong self-hatred , loss of friends, relationships and all hope LATER they told me I was Autistic.They were proud of finally finding out what was “wrong” with me and expected me to be happy about it .

Suddenly everyone had all the answers to everything I had been through since I was a child .

For me it is maddening. Would things have been different if I was a boy?

I am writing this in a hope that you say yes.
For then, at least I will know what to be mad about .
R.W , UK ( E.O British+Australian)